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    Why Women Seeking Validation in Relationships?

    Seeking Validation in Relationships: Why women Seeking Validation in a Relationship? My dear people, Good day! Yes, I apologize... I've been hiding under a small rock. 


    If you can imagine two large buttocks with a stone in the middle, that's me. I wish I could say that I have been on vacation in the Virgin Islands taking my virginity from left to right, but that is not the case. 


    Seeking Validation in Relationships, Relationship Validation
    Seeking Validation in Relationships

    The only excuse I have is that I have been designing some kind of plan for world peace? That works? I've been extremely busy and the one thing I love to do jumped into the background. Ok enough of excuses... this is a long one, you might want to have a beer and some nuts... shoot that beautiful bean footage!


    Seeking Validation in Relationships


    Seeking Validation in Relationships, Relationship Validation
    (Seeking Validation in Relationships)


    What Is Seeking Validation in a Relationship? So, most of you who know me and those of you who don't know or don't know that I've been dating a man for the past eight months. Holy Moly, that screams commitment. 


    Hold me, I'm afraid. I had a few minor, minor, major breakpoints in the last week due to what I would call emotional neglect, not getting enough sleep, too many supplements, PMS, and a partridge in a pear tree. 


    Having said that, I would like to say that there is a difference between someone who is neglecting on purpose and someone who does not know that they are neglecting. No woman wants to say "Hello, friend, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and my private parts." 


    We prefer to give subtle hints and let you find out for yourself. We should know by now (you should know by now) that you men don't know the term subtle. All you know is the term "blunt" and I'm not talking about reefer. (Just say no!)


    So yeah, the man and I got into a little cat fight debate. They rarely happen and when they do, it's not the kind of situation where someone wants to be the winner. 


    Also, I'm almost 100% sure that he thinks I'm a madman with psychotic tendencies. I must admit that I surprised myself. I'm not someone to slip off the handle when shit has hit the fan. I am not someone who cries for the fall of the hat. I was at the end of my rope, feeling drained, empty, and broken. 


    This is all because he never showed his feelings. He never complimented me, he was not very affectionate, he did not think about physical intimacy and sometimes he did not talk to me. 


    Some people mentioned that this could be toxic and some form of emotional abuse. I didn't think he would do something on purpose to hurt me, it felt toxic and it felt like neglect. I finally found out that this is their first serious relationship. 


    I'm giving it extreme slack. I didn't know any better. I told him I was in good shape before I met him. I was confident, I had great self-esteem, I was sure of myself... and all that jazz. 


    Now, I am not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I questioned my appearance now, I'm not sure if I have any good jokes left, and sometimes my butt gets shaken. Why has this happened? I told him I need validation, women need validation. And this is where it puzzled me. He said:


    "Why do you need me to validate who you are and how you feel about yourself?"


    What? Oh! for a second, I thought you said "Waka Waka Waka"


    The question puzzled me. It seemed like he had just given me Willy Wonka's magic formula for Everlasting Jawbreakers. He was confused and usually "Oh little one with good answers" was speechless. 


    I understood the question, I understood what he was saying... the problem was formulating feelings in my gut. He could feel why he needed validation, but he couldn't tell. 


    Why did I need it to feel pretty? Why did he need him to feel accepted? Why was he so confident before and not so confident now? Why did she need physical intimacy from him? 


    Oh! that's easy... it was hot. Why did I need him to hold me, touch me, caress me, caress me? I love the word caress. The combination of all of this is summed up in one word... validation.


    Look, I don't know why we need validation. I could do without it if I didn't need it so badly, uh, that didn't make sense. So, listen to this: Are you ready? Can someone give me a drum roll?


    By validating someone, we show that we care and that their feelings matter to us, in other words, that THEY matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected to them and they feel connected to us.


    No wonder I felt so empty. I had been complimenting him, touching him, laughing at him, giving him gifts, trying to have physical intimacy with him, trying to spend quality time with him, etc. I did everything I knew how to do. 


    When he did not reflect the things that I did, I began to think that he did not appreciate them, he did not appreciate me, he did not care about me, he was not attracted to me, he was bored and I broke down and had no more energy to continue loving him. Most of you have read the "Five Love Languages." 


    We all speak different love languages to keep our love tank full. If we give and give and receive nothing in return... our love tank dries up and we start running with nothing. I was getting empty. 


    Now, he didn't just sit around and do nothing. He was always running around the house doing things, fixing things, mowing the lawn, anything in the sun. I do not speak the language of acts of service, perhaps that was his language of love. 


    So naturally, when I was getting back what I got... I felt denied, rejected and neglected. My love tank had gone kapoot. I lost it.


    I don't think men understand how to Seeking Validation in Relationships. It appears to be so small but when practiced it can have significant positive effects. 


    When we go to our men with questions, problems, situations... their natural response is for one to solve it. "There must be a logical way to solve this situation." Look, we're not asking you to fix anything. We are looking for some kind of validation. 


    We seek understanding. We look for a sincere affection towards the situation. We want you to listen and then make some kind of comment to let us know that you understand, that you care, that you heard us, that you love us. 


    Men, wouldn't it feel great not to have to feel the need to fix, when all you have to do is listen and show signs of concern and compassion? We want you to put yourself in our shoes for a moment, to see things from our point of view... not to be so dry and in need of fixing.


    Please don't think that because a woman / person needs validation he is insecure. I think at some point or another everyone enjoys a bit of validation. I see validation as a little gift wrapped in a cute bow. 


    When someone validates another person, it helps us to feel that someone "understands" you, "understands you"; it also makes us feel like we are not alone. It feels good to know that our actions, words, and feelings make sense to someone else. It's easier to relax with someone and keep your guard down when there is validation. 


    With validation comes an extreme sense of connection. I long for connection and can't seem to feel it without some kind of validation. Does this make me needy? I do not think so.


    When we first got together, the relationship was pure happiness... we were basing ourselves on chemistry and chemicals. 


    Of course, the honeymoon always dies and you come back to earth. What's left? You can let the relationship develop on autopilot or you can practice the validation that nurtures the relationship. 


    How do I validate my man? Oh, and by the way, he's 100% male. I'm so sick of dating sissies. 


    Validating it is letting it know how much I appreciate and value it. It's the little things. Look, it would be one thing if validation costs as much as a Louis Vuitton bag, but it doesn't, it's free... it just takes work. 


    You need to use your thinking boundary when using validation, you need to be in tune with your partners' personalities, preferences and tastes and communicate it verbally to have an impact. 


    I can't help but go back to the "Five Love Languages", he talks about various ways to validate someone's feelings and how to show someone that you love them, that you care about them and that you want them to be happy.



    Related Post: How to Spice Up Dull and Boring Relationship



    Five Love Languages


    Seeking Validation in Relationships, Relationship Validation, What is Seeking Validation, What is Validation in a Relationship, Five Love Languages
    (Seeking Validation in Relationships)


    1.) Gifts: (sweet notes / cards, flowers, dinner, sweets, perfumes, etc.)


    2.) Words of affirmation: (You are pretty, you are very funny, dinner was great, you smell good, you can do it, I love you, I love being with you, I need you, you are special To me, nice dress, I appreciate you, nice ass )


    3.) Acts of service: (washing dishes, folding clothes, mowing the lawn, babysitting, making dinner, taking it out, basically doing things to show your partner that you care).


    4.) Physical touch: (holding hands, playing with his hair, slapping his butt, massaging his back, kissing, caressing, getting wild and strange, wearing the strap)


    5.) Quality time: (good conversation, spending time without external interruptions, activities)


    So, I feel so much better. Yes, sometimes I write for my own selfish therapeutic reasons. I hope some of you can walk away having learned something and maybe decide to put something in your back pocket for later. 


    Remember, validation is not about insecurity... it's really about seeking some kind of response from someone else... just to let us know that you care, understand, and are "in tune" with our feelings and needs. Amen. Church is fired.


    Validating someone's feelings is first accepting someone's feelings. Next is to understand them and finally nurture them. 


    Validating is recognizing and accepting one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, on the other hand, is rejecting, ignoring, or judging your feelings and therefore your individual identity. 


    When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We assure them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are showing that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. 


    We let them know that we respect their perception of things at the time. We help them feel heard, recognized, understood and accepted. 


    Sometimes validation involves listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready to talk.


     

    Relationship Validation Self-Oriented


    Seeking Validation in Relationships, Relationship Validation, What is Seeking Validation, What is Validation in a Relationship, Five Love Languages
    (Seeking Validation in Relationships)


    Non-validating conversation (self-oriented)


    Louise: We sure don't spend a lot of time together at the beach.


    Mac: I don't know why you say that. We get up together and walk on the beach at least two different mornings.


    Louise: It just didn't seem like you included me much in your plans.


    Mac: Well, I guess my priority was spending time visiting my brothers this week.


    Louise: It seemed like she carved out some special time to spend with her mother, her brothers, and one of her sisters-in-law, but there was no special effort or plan for us to spend time together.


    Mac: I didn't know you felt that way. You should have said something.


    Louise: You had three days to yourself on the beach, before I arrived, to spend as much time as you wanted and I just hoped that when I arrived, I would have received more of your time and attention.


    Mac: Well Louise, I can assure you I wasn't trying to avoid you. I was just trying to spend some time with Barry and Chris. I can't see them very often and I just wanted to make the most of my time at the beach.


    Louise: It's not a big deal. I just hoped to spend more time together. It seemed like everyone was going in different directions and doing their own thing. Then when I had to leave for my conference on Friday morning, I didn't feel like I had a lot of vacation with you.


     

    Related Post: Love Relationships Advice



    Validation Seeking Conversation


    Seeking Validation in Relationships, Relationship Validation, What is Seeking Validation, What is Validation in a Relationship, Five Love Languages
    (Seeking Validation in Relationships)


    Validation Seeking Conversation (the feelings of the partners are heard)


    Louise: We sure don't spend a lot of time together at the beach.

     

    Mac:  I don’t know why you say that.  We got up together and walked on the beach at least two different mornings.


    Louise: It just didn't seem like you included me much in your plans.


    Mac: Well, I guess my priority was spending time visiting my brothers this week.


    Louise: It seemed like she carved out some special time to spend with her mother, her brothers, and one of her sisters-in-law, but there was no special effort or plan for us to spend time together.


    Mac: I didn't know you felt that way. You should have said something.


    Louise: You had three days to yourself on the beach, before I arrived, to spend as much time as you wanted and I just hoped that when I arrived, I would have received more of your time and attention.


    Mac: Well Louise, I can assure you I wasn't trying to avoid you. I was just trying to spend some time with Barry and Chris. I can't see them very often and I just wanted to make the most of my time at the beach.


    Louise: It's not a big deal. I just hoped to spend more time together. It seemed like everyone was going in different directions and doing their own thing. Then when I had to leave for my conference on Friday morning, I didn't feel like I had a lot of vacation with you.



    Validation Seeking Conversation (the feelings of the partners are heard)


    Louise: We sure don't spend a lot of time together at the beach.


    Mac: I can see how you would feel that way. You were only able to be there for three days and most of the time I was hanging out with my brothers. However, if I remember correctly, we got up to walk together on the beach on two different mornings.


    Louise: Yes, and I appreciated the walks we did together. It just didn't seem like you included me much in your plans during the rest of our time at the beach.


    Mac: It seems like you really missed me and felt left out since our time together was so short and unpredictable. Meanwhile, he spent a lot of time interacting and doing things with other members of the family. I guess my priority was spending time visiting my brothers this week.


    Louise: I realize you don't see your family much. They live in New York and Pennsylvania and there are not many opportunities to meet up. It's just that he carved out some special time to spend with his mother, his brothers, and one of his sisters-in-law, but he didn't seem to make any special plans for you and I to do things together.


    Mac: Wow! I had no idea that you felt that way. It seems like it really seemed like I was making a special effort to connect with everyone except you. I'm sorry I got caught up in the excitement of seeing my family in a way that left you on the sidelines. I sure wish you had said something on the beach while all this was going on.

     

    Louise: I can understand how easy it was for you to forget about me a little when you were so excited and charged to see Barry and Chris. 


    It's just that you had three full days on the beach, before I arrived, to spend however you wanted. I guess I envied you those extra days and hoped to be a little more in the center of your attention when it finally came.


    Mac: That certainly makes sense. After all, this was our vacation too and we didn't spend that much time together. I can assure you, Louise, that I wasn't trying to avoid you. I guess I had a tunnel vision regarding connecting with my siblings.


    Louise: It's not a big deal. I just hoped to spend more time with you. It seemed like everyone was going in different directions and doing their own thing. Then when I had to leave for my conference on Friday morning, I didn't feel like I had a lot of vacation with you - (Seeking Validation in Relationships)


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    Motivational Quotes on Love

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